Life has been getting easier for me lately.
I feel like I haven't felt so empty all the time.
Of course I'm still sad. I never forget Dylan. He's on my heart every single day.
But where the depression used to sink in so heavy now comes a sigh of relief.
How??
I had a doctor's appointment at the end of March. We discussed my depression and anxiety in full. For awhile, I was replaying Dylan's passing over and over and over in my head. It was like someone kept hitting rewind and play all over again. Talk about a living nightmare... this was it.
This is when I really started to notice my anxiety heightening as well. I think my anxiety has always been there as a mom. Before Rhett, we had a miscarriage, so of course throughout Rhett's pregnancy I was anxious he wouldn't make it to term. Before Dylan, I felt like I was a little more of a "helicopter mom" compared to some of my other friends. But now after Dylan passed, my anxiety levels have skyrocketed...
I realized I am having actual panic attacks. And they are terrifying...
After I met with my doctor, she agreed to prescribe an anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication. It has been helping for the depression/grief a lot. I am very thankful for that. I have been seeing a new therapist very recently to help deal with the anxiety. My therapist gave me practices to try that can help calm me down when needed.
It's been a nice transition to feel like I am getting back to being myself. I feel like it took around 3 months for my grief to really settle in. I felt like I was doing really well for a long time, but I think once I realized Dylan was gone for 3 months, things just really hit me like a freight train...
The grief,
the pain,
the exhaustion,
the depression,
the anxiety,
everything was taking a toll on me at once.
Grief doesn't come with a timeline. There's no rule book for handling grief. EVERYONE handles grief in their own way and at their own pace.
I know the grief of losing Dylan is going to be with me forever, but so is the joy of knowing him. The grief of not seeing him grow up will always be there, but the joy of knowing he's in a better place is the best feeling. The joy that God picked me to be his mama really is a wonderful feeling even though he wasn't mine for long.
Tomorrow, Dylan would be 5 months old. I'm letting that settle in as I write this. Where would we be if he were here right now? Better yet, I wonder how much fun he is having up in heaven with our wonderful Creator?!
Add comment
Comments