Time's a funny thing sometimes, isn't it? It gets away from us so quickly. Most of the time we're saying, "SLOW DOWN, our kids are growing up TOO fast!" or we're saying the weekend goes by too fast, and we're back to the Monday blues.
But here's a few things I've learned about time during my grief journey though:
It can go very slow, but very fast all at the same time. You want it to go fast so you can get past the pain and exhaustion and all the tears. But... another thing I've learned about time, it doesn't matter how fast or slow it goes...
TIME DOES NOT HEAL!!
Now I know it's only been 4 months. But I'm over here thinking... How in the world HAS it been 4 months already? Pretty soon it's going to be 6 months! Have I really been missing my boy for this long? Has he really been gone this long?
Some days I feel so guilty because I rarely think about Dylan. He's on my mind every day, but sometimes I feel like I need to be thinking about him more. Other days, I can't get him out of my mind. I have triggers that make me think of him continuously, and all I want to do is crawl in my bed and shut my brain off.
... ... ...
I feel like Dylan would be proud of us though. I think he would be proud of me. I know I've been stuck in a hole and feel like I can't dig myself out sometimes, but I've done everything to be there for Rhett since Dylan's passing.
When we lost Dylan, we didn't just lose a child.
We lost him growing up.
We lost being able to buy him clothes.
We lost being able to take updated family pictures with all of us!
We lost a part of our family that we'll never get back.
But, we're doing all we can to try to push forward. We are not forgetting him. I see him in things I do every. single. day. (And not just because he's in pictures I have around). Even though he's not here on earth, I still feel him; and I think that comes from knowing he is with God.
Grief is still hard... it's no joke.
Losing a child is the most painful thing I have ever been through. And I don't think that I will ever be fully healed from this pain.
I know I will get better. I know I will get stronger. I know my days will get easier.
My grief will ALWAYS be with me though.
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